CrispAds Blog Ads

Friday, June 30, 2006

A Liverpool Love Story

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.

"I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded "Yes", after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Kamikazi Breifing

This isnt the kind of funny story I would put up, however this humorous radio script was originally created by Douglas Adams, and I think it is damn good!


COMM Now, you all know the purpose of this mission. It is a
kamikaze mission. Your sacred task is to destroy the
ships of the American fleet in the Pacific. This will
involve the deaths of each and every one of you.
Including you.

PILOT Me sir?

COMM Yes you. You are a kamikaze pilot?

PILOT Yes sir.

COMM What are you?

PILOT A kamikaze pilot sir.

COMM And what is your function as a kamikaze pilot?

PILOT To lay down my life for the Emperor sir!

COMM How many missions have you flown on?

PILOT Nineteen sir.

COMM Yes, I have the reports on your previous mission
here. (FLIPS THROUGH EACH ONE) Let's see.
Couldn't find target, couldn't find target, got lost,
couldn't find target, forget to take headband,
couldn't find target, couldn't find target, headband
slipped over eyes, couldn't find target, came back
with headache...

PILOT Headband too tight sir.

COMM Vertigo, couldn't find target, all the rest, couldn't
find target. Now I don't think you've been looking
very hard.

PILOT Yes I have sir. I've looked all over the place!

COMM You see, it's not actually that difficult bearing in mind
that we do have a highly sophisticated reconnaissance unit
whose job it is to tell you where to find the targets.

PILOT Well, it's not always accurate sir, sometimes one can
search for hours and not see a single aircraft carrier.

COMM Well, where exactly have you been looking for these aircraft

PILOT Er, well sir...

COMM (FLIPPING THROUGH NOTES) ... I mean, I notice for instance
that you seem to have more or less ignored the sea. I would
have thought that the sea was a promising area.

PILOT Yes sir...

COMM And that the airspace directly above Tokyo was not. And
another thing...

PILOT Yes sir?

COMM Skip the victory rolls.

PILOT Sir, you’re being unfair, I have flown over the sea lots
of times. I actually attacked an aircraft carrier once.

COMM Ah yes, I have the details of your 'attack' here. Mission
nineteen. Let's see. Take off 0500 hours, proceeded to
target area, nice start. Target spotted 0520 hours, good,
climbed to a height of 6000ft, prepared for attack, went
into a power dive, and successfully... landed on target.

PILOT I had to go wee wees sir. Caught short. But I took off
immediately sir. Good job too - one of our lads crashed
straight into it. Poor devil didn't stand a chance.

COMM What?

PILOT No sir - and that really go me upset, and I was going to
let 'em have it - I was going to whip it straight out, fly
low and lob it straight through the dining room porthole -
that would have sorted them out.

COMM You were going to do what?

PILOT Cut it straight out and let 'em have it, whee splat right
in the middle of breakfast. They'd have known we meant
business then alright sir.

COMM What were you going to cut straight out and through into
their breakfast?

PILOT My stomach sir. Oh yes, I'd like to see the expressions on
their faces when the great squelchy mass plummeted right into...

COMM Wait...wait a moment, let me just get this clear in my mind.
You were going to cut out...

PILOT My stomach, yes sir, kamikaze... (DOES HARA-KIRI GESTURE)

COMM You were going to cut out your stomach and... throw it a
the enemy?

PILOT Yes sir, straight at them.

COMM Any particular reason?

PILOT Die for the Emperor sir.

COMM And what purpose would that serve?

PILOT Make the enemy feel guilty sir.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Lucky Night

I was a very happy person.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. It had to be deliberate.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.