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Monday, June 26, 2006

Kamikazi Breifing

This isnt the kind of funny story I would put up, however this humorous radio script was originally created by Douglas Adams, and I think it is damn good!


COMM Now, you all know the purpose of this mission. It is a
kamikaze mission. Your sacred task is to destroy the
ships of the American fleet in the Pacific. This will
involve the deaths of each and every one of you.
Including you.

PILOT Me sir?

COMM Yes you. You are a kamikaze pilot?

PILOT Yes sir.

COMM What are you?

PILOT A kamikaze pilot sir.

COMM And what is your function as a kamikaze pilot?

PILOT To lay down my life for the Emperor sir!

COMM How many missions have you flown on?

PILOT Nineteen sir.

COMM Yes, I have the reports on your previous mission
here. (FLIPS THROUGH EACH ONE) Let's see.
Couldn't find target, couldn't find target, got lost,
couldn't find target, forget to take headband,
couldn't find target, couldn't find target, headband
slipped over eyes, couldn't find target, came back
with headache...

PILOT Headband too tight sir.

COMM Vertigo, couldn't find target, all the rest, couldn't
find target. Now I don't think you've been looking
very hard.

PILOT Yes I have sir. I've looked all over the place!

COMM You see, it's not actually that difficult bearing in mind
that we do have a highly sophisticated reconnaissance unit
whose job it is to tell you where to find the targets.

PILOT Well, it's not always accurate sir, sometimes one can
search for hours and not see a single aircraft carrier.

COMM Well, where exactly have you been looking for these aircraft

PILOT Er, well sir...

COMM (FLIPPING THROUGH NOTES) ... I mean, I notice for instance
that you seem to have more or less ignored the sea. I would
have thought that the sea was a promising area.

PILOT Yes sir...

COMM And that the airspace directly above Tokyo was not. And
another thing...

PILOT Yes sir?

COMM Skip the victory rolls.

PILOT Sir, you’re being unfair, I have flown over the sea lots
of times. I actually attacked an aircraft carrier once.

COMM Ah yes, I have the details of your 'attack' here. Mission
nineteen. Let's see. Take off 0500 hours, proceeded to
target area, nice start. Target spotted 0520 hours, good,
climbed to a height of 6000ft, prepared for attack, went
into a power dive, and successfully... landed on target.

PILOT I had to go wee wees sir. Caught short. But I took off
immediately sir. Good job too - one of our lads crashed
straight into it. Poor devil didn't stand a chance.

COMM What?

PILOT No sir - and that really go me upset, and I was going to
let 'em have it - I was going to whip it straight out, fly
low and lob it straight through the dining room porthole -
that would have sorted them out.

COMM You were going to do what?

PILOT Cut it straight out and let 'em have it, whee splat right
in the middle of breakfast. They'd have known we meant
business then alright sir.

COMM What were you going to cut straight out and through into
their breakfast?

PILOT My stomach sir. Oh yes, I'd like to see the expressions on
their faces when the great squelchy mass plummeted right into...

COMM Wait...wait a moment, let me just get this clear in my mind.
You were going to cut out...

PILOT My stomach, yes sir, kamikaze... (DOES HARA-KIRI GESTURE)

COMM You were going to cut out your stomach and... throw it a
the enemy?

PILOT Yes sir, straight at them.

COMM Any particular reason?

PILOT Die for the Emperor sir.

COMM And what purpose would that serve?

PILOT Make the enemy feel guilty sir.


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