A Panda Joke

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food."

The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!"

The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

The Chicken Farmer

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a womanand ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a specialday for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!"says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked,
"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chickenfarmer,and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they'refinally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickensbecome fertile?"

"I used a different cock." he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence.............!"

Dentist.

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and then washed his hands. He then took off his trousers, and washed his hands again.

The girl had been watching him and said, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, said, "Yes, how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another, and they made love.

Afterward, the girl said, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, said, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"


"I didn't feel a thing!"

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, with nothing on!

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked."I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband

The man looked down at himself and said... "Those little b@$%@s!"

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said,

"Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.

"Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Memory Loss?

An elderly man goes into a house of ill repute and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman.

"Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man.

"How much do I owe you?"

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I slept with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

The attourny

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

"What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

Lizard's Tale

I think this is pretty good!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!
Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.
Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious dad, can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. “Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh my! Gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.“

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.” “Oh, gross!” they shrieked. “Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.“Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for goodness sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at thelittle animal through a magnifying glass.“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may Ispeak to you privately for a moment?”I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. “Is Ernie going to beokay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the Vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they m….um….masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.”
He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”
We were silent, absorbing this.“So Ernie’s just…just… Excited,” my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its… Its…teeny little…” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,”Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Lizards - $140…
1 Cage - $50…
Trip to the Vet - $30…
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie…..Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs …

God Bless Americans

Alabama
- Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death
- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Alaska
- In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
- Another law in Fairbanks, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

California
- Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
- In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Connecticut
- You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
- You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida
- Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
- A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
- If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
- It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
- Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
- It is illegal for a man to be in public with a "visible" erection.

Idaho
- It is illegal to masturbate
- If two persons of the opposite sex are under a blanket with their shoes off, they are considered to be having sex.

Illinois
- It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Indiana
- Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
- Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa
- Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Illinois
- A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

Kansas
- It is illegal to have uncastrated livestock in city limits.

Kentucky
- By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
- It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. - An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club".

Louisiana
- It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
- Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Maine
- It is illegal to win more then 3 dollars while gambling!

Massachusetts
- No gorilla may be in the backseat of any car at any time.
- Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
- Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
- An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
- Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Michigan
- Married women may not cut their own hair without their husbands permission.

Minnesota
- It is illegal for a man to ride faster than 20 on a bike and no less than 3.
- It is legal to smoke marijuana in public.
- When you get out of prison you are legaly entitled to a gun, a horse and a suit.
- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Mississippi
- It is illegal to drive without shoes on

Missouri
- In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

Montana
- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude.
- A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Nebraska
- A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
- The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
New Mexico
- Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
- During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

New Jersey
- Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

New York
- A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Carolina
- An ordinance was passed last year banning hurricanes from entering the city limits. (Topsail Beach)

North Dakota
- Attempted suicide was considered attepted murder. At one time, this was subject to the death penalty.
- Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio
- Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
- In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
- In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Oklahoma
- Violators can be fined, arrested, or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
- Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
- Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
- Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

Oregon
- In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

Pennsylvania
- Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.
- A special cleaning ordinance bans homemakers from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. - No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
- In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Texas
- A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
- It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
- It's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. - Law forbids carrying around a fence cutter or a pair of pliers that could cut fence.
- In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Utah
- A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
- Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.

Vermont
- Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- on Saturday night.

Washington
- Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
- All lollipops are banned.
- A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
- The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
- In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).

West Virginia
- No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

Wisconsin
- In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

Wyoming
- An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

Church Bulletins

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

6. Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

24. The primary 7's will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Problem With England

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little over 500 employees, yet has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
They are members of the British Houses of Parliament, that's the same group that produces hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in check.

Dont usually post pictures but...

Bush Goes to Hell

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him."I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"